Austin is in class. Ethan is with Gramma Cenie for a few days. He left with her over an hour ago and I feel a range of mixed emotions. Of course he needs to be with her. We are having baby brother tomorrow and he can't be there.
My mommy heart is lonely. I miss his little face and his high pitched voice. The way he carries his toy cars around and lines them up on the couch. I tear up thinking about how much I miss him.
On the other hand I haven't really processed what will happen tomorrow. My c section is scheduled and I have known that for weeks but I haven't really come to terms with what that means. I guess Ethan has helped keep my mind off things.
Things like this:
My c section is tomorrow.
I am having surgery.
My second son will be born.
I will have two kids.
I will be disassembled and put back together.
I won't have baby in my belly anymore.
I won't be pregnant.
I hope I don't get sick from the anesthesia like last time.
I hope I recover quickly and well.
Recovery after Ethan was awful and I'm scared of PPD.
Ethan is going to be a sweet big brother.
What will baby look like?
Will he be a sweet baby like Ethan was?
Ok so the train of thought I have usually starts off scary then turns around to excitement and then wonder. That's normal right? But seriously I am not really sure how I will feel after surgery. With Ethan I was super sick and super out of it. I want to be more present to enjoy the first day of this one. I'm sure I will.
I also wanted to say how thankful I am to have Austin by my side. He has been my rock and my strength and I know I am so lucky to have him as my husband and father to my babies. I love him more with every life experience we share together.
Anyway I wanted to check in. Share my thoughts. Have a great day and I will try not to freak out.
jen
38 Weeks Pregnant
