Well here we are...

Today is July 9th, 2015 at 6:48 pm. I am alone at home. This is weird.

Austin is in class. Ethan is with Gramma Cenie for a few days. He left with her over an hour ago and I feel a range of mixed emotions. Of course he needs to be with her. We are having baby brother tomorrow and he can't be there.

My mommy heart is lonely. I miss his little face and his high pitched voice. The way he carries his toy cars around and lines them up on the couch. I tear up thinking about how much I miss him.

On the other hand I haven't really processed what will happen tomorrow. My c section is scheduled and I have known that for weeks but I haven't really come to terms with what that means. I guess Ethan has helped keep my mind off things.

Things like this:

My c section is tomorrow.
I am having surgery.
My second son will be born.
I will have two kids.
I will be disassembled and put back together.
I won't have baby in my belly anymore.
I won't be pregnant.
I hope I don't get sick from the anesthesia like last time.
I hope I recover quickly and well.
Recovery after Ethan was awful and I'm scared of PPD.
Ethan is going to be a sweet big brother.
What will baby look like?
Will he be a sweet baby like Ethan was?

Ok so the train of thought I have usually starts off scary then turns around to excitement and then wonder. That's normal right? But seriously I am not really sure how I will feel after surgery. With Ethan I was super sick and super out of it. I want to be more present to enjoy the first day of this one. I'm sure I will.

I also wanted to say how thankful I am to have Austin by my side. He has been my rock and my strength and I know I am so lucky to have him as my husband and father to my babies. I love him more with every life experience we share together.

Anyway I wanted to check in. Share my thoughts. Have a great day and I will try not to freak out.

jen

38 Weeks Pregnant

So this is goodbye for now

October 8, 2014

My dear sweet baby,

My heart aches as I am writing this to you and for you. Even before we knew we were pregnant I loved you. I worried about you and I hoped everything would be ok. 

Saturday night I started bleeding. Sunday morning it got worse. Sunday afternoon and night it was bad. Monday morning I was cramping and bleeding so much. It was so scary and I knew that you were gone.

We made it to the doctors office a little early Monday morning. I am never early so I knew it was a big deal. I was strangely calm as I waited for your daddy to meet us and as I helped your big brother play with his toy cars. We got into the ultra sound office with the tech and she had a hard time finding you. Finally she found your embryonic sac. There was nothing inside. She didn't say anything but I knew. 

The tech left in a hurry to get the Doctor and they came back both looking very concerned. They said they are sorry. At that moment it was like all the calm I felt earlier shattered and pain shot through me in every direction. I couldn't hold it in and I broke down. They gave me hugs that truly meant a lot. We decided to have an operation to get the rest of the tissue out. 

All this time I knew. I knew there was something wrong. 

I came back to the hospital for the surgery a few hours later and the nurses and the anesthesiologist rushed right in and took care of me. I fell asleep and when I woke up I knew you were really gone. They wheeled me back to your daddy who was waiting anxiously. I was so sleepy but I could hear the nurse talk to him and tell him how to take care of me. 

He is such a loving man. You would have loved him. It's been a few days since and I cannot let another day go by with out saying goodbye. For now. I look forward to the day when I can hold you in my arms. When I can look into your face and see whose eyes you have. What color your hair is. My heart is broken because I won't get to see you in this life but in the next your daddy says I will. 

Just know I love you with all my heart. You always have a piece of it where ever you are. 

Love forever,

Mommy

When the heart breaks...

There have been many times where I would say my heart has been broken. Beyond repair even. Everytime it has healed. I put myself back together and have been stronger, more compassionate and understanding. But it has never been broken like this.

It has been 24 days since Austin and I found out we were expecting. 

It has also been 8 days since we found out we wouldn't be holding that baby in our arms. 

I miscarried.

I had no idea what was going on but the week before I felt intense cramps. Like what you would feel during Braxton hicks. After a call to the doctors office they told me if there was no bleeding then I was mostly dehydrated. So I drank water and they went away the next day. 

Then the bleeding started. I kept a journal to baby #2 and this is what I wrote when I first realized there was something wrong. 

October 5, 2014

A little scared... 

This weeked was one I was looking forward to. It was General Conference weekend where we listen to words of our prophet and apostles. Unfortunately my mind was on you. 

Last night I started to have pink discharge and it has darkened to red like a period flow. It's scared me. I am resting and sleeping as much as I can today. Tomorrow morning I will call the doctor and go in to make sure you are healthy and growing as you should. It's so hard not to think of what could be going wrong.

This isn't a happy post but one I needed to write. I love you little baby no matter what happens. We will wait until tomorrow to see what happens. 

Love always,

Mommy

I have thought long and hard about sharing this part of my life. I don't want pity but I want to share this very personal story to help others who may be going through the same thing. There will be more posts about this experience. Please be respectful. 

Growth of Ethan

My baby boys first year in pictures...

Day One:

7 pounds 5 ounces

21" long

Didn't like baths or being cold. Had dark curly hair and curly little bat ears. Loved to cuddle with mommy and daddy.

One Month Old:

Little personality coming out. Makes cute baby noises and tries to talk. Hair from birth thinned out. Mommy and daddy already so in love.

Two Months Old

Started to chunk up 

Three Months Old

Holds head up well

Four Months Old

Smiles so much and loves to play

Five Months Old

Little love bug and started to bald 

Six Months Old

Growing hair back and starting to really teeth

Seven Months Old

Went to the zoo for the first time 

Eight Months Old

Loves to be outside, camp and hike

Nine Months

Showing interest in toys and can clap his hands

Ten Months

 Smiles all the time and can now crawl

Eleven Months

Has fun playing with cousins and friends

One Year Old!!!!

Got first pair of shoes (black Converse!), babbles, picked first pumpkins, says dadada momoma nonono

My Mommy Body Story

First off I would like to say that I have LOVED being a mommy. Every precious minute of it. Granted my little munchkin is 11 months old tomorrow so how much mischief can he get into. Not really very much right now. He is such a good little guy and it is the biggest joy I have ever experienced watching him grow, learn new things and show me things that he comes up with all on his own.

His delivery was hard. Hard on my body especially with the added taxation of having pre eclampsia. That be nasty to deal with. Recovery was harder. Not just for my physical body but my emotional and mental state took a punch. It is so hard not to be able to do things for yourself and to wait for when you feel better. To sit in a state of not feeling well and not being able to do anything about it was the worst. At one point I even thought I needed meds to make it through the day. One dose of that and I changed my mind. I was determined to feel better. 

Before my doctor gave me the ok to work out I did very light excersizes. I would put in P90X and do the warm ups and the things that didn't require my core muscles. After a few weeks I started to notice a difference in my mood. After I had my last checkup I kicked it up a notch. I tried tae bo, yoga, zumba and even some Jillian Michaels while little man was napping. This was the best anti depressant for me. Natural. Healthy and I was doing something extremely good for my body. 

I had gained way more weight than I dreamt I would with my pregnancy. Getting it off was my goal but instead of focusing on pounds I wanted to choose one healthy change and do that until it was second nature. 

I stopped drinking soda and drank more water.

I stopped eating white breads and pasta and ate whole wheat.

I stopped eating so much red meat and switched to turkey and more chicken.

I stopped expecting myself to workout every day but would be satisfied with a few times a week.

I started eating more fruits and vege's. 

I ate every few hours. Boys napping schedule helped me stay on track.

Well it has been almost a year since I started this journey. It has always been about doing well for my body and being happy. I have lost 70 pounds and have 11 left to lose before my pre pregnancy weight and a good 20 more to loose after that. Lately I have lost focus. We have been eating out more. It's hard to say no but I always try to get the healthiest thing on the menu... that is until I get bored of salads. 

I am back on the wagon. I have been thinking of doing Ragnar next summer which means I would need to start training. Now. And I would be starting from scratch because I run but it's mostly walking. My average mile is around 16 minutes but I need to be under 11 minute miles. Can I do it? 

All this and I am beginning to really love my mommy body. I love my curves. I love my strong muscles. I love being able to improve. That is half the battle. Being happy with yourself. I hope that I never lose sight of that. 

Being a Mommy

Motherhood is something I had never really thought of when I was younger. Even playing with dolls or playing house I had never really envisioned myself as a mom. Sure I knew that one day I would get married and we would have babies but it wasn't something I daydreamed about. I was far too busy reading any book I could get my hands on to care about future children.

After Austin and I had gotten married the concept of babies seemed no more real than winning the lottery so I didn't think about it. I had been adopted and so had all my brothers and sisters so I had never seen my mom swell with pregnancy or even seen a pregnant woman up close. In short babies were cute but I didn't want one... yet.

Fast forward a few years. It hit me one day that I had been thinking about babies. I wanted one but I wasn't sure how to talk to Austin about it. We went to the temple and I prayed. While we were there it felt different than any other time I had been to a session. I knew that it was time to start thinking about a little one. Luckily for me Austin felt the same way. Go figure.

Fast forward a year. It had been about a year since we had started to try and on February 3rd, 2012 one little pink line changed our lives forever. Ethan will be four months old on Tuesday. I have been putting off writing his birth story because I have been recovering and then forget. Pregnant brain doesn't go away after you give birth. I have felt so much more alive these past few months. Ethan is my joy. He is my happiness. How could someone so tiny mean so much to me? Everything he does makes me smile. Everything he does is cute. Everything he does is a miracle. My little angel baby.

I have never been so happy. My joy is full. I love every minute of the day I get to spend with my little sidekick. I'm sure the day will come that he will frustrate me or I'll want to lock myself in my room to get some peace and quiet but for now I will breath in his baby smell. I will play on the floor with him. I will hold him close and thank my Father in Heaven for my most precious gift. Being a mommy is everything I have ever wanted that I never knew I wanted.