So this is goodbye for now

October 8, 2014

My dear sweet baby,

My heart aches as I am writing this to you and for you. Even before we knew we were pregnant I loved you. I worried about you and I hoped everything would be ok. 

Saturday night I started bleeding. Sunday morning it got worse. Sunday afternoon and night it was bad. Monday morning I was cramping and bleeding so much. It was so scary and I knew that you were gone.

We made it to the doctors office a little early Monday morning. I am never early so I knew it was a big deal. I was strangely calm as I waited for your daddy to meet us and as I helped your big brother play with his toy cars. We got into the ultra sound office with the tech and she had a hard time finding you. Finally she found your embryonic sac. There was nothing inside. She didn't say anything but I knew. 

The tech left in a hurry to get the Doctor and they came back both looking very concerned. They said they are sorry. At that moment it was like all the calm I felt earlier shattered and pain shot through me in every direction. I couldn't hold it in and I broke down. They gave me hugs that truly meant a lot. We decided to have an operation to get the rest of the tissue out. 

All this time I knew. I knew there was something wrong. 

I came back to the hospital for the surgery a few hours later and the nurses and the anesthesiologist rushed right in and took care of me. I fell asleep and when I woke up I knew you were really gone. They wheeled me back to your daddy who was waiting anxiously. I was so sleepy but I could hear the nurse talk to him and tell him how to take care of me. 

He is such a loving man. You would have loved him. It's been a few days since and I cannot let another day go by with out saying goodbye. For now. I look forward to the day when I can hold you in my arms. When I can look into your face and see whose eyes you have. What color your hair is. My heart is broken because I won't get to see you in this life but in the next your daddy says I will. 

Just know I love you with all my heart. You always have a piece of it where ever you are. 

Love forever,

Mommy