Growing Pains

I remember when he was born. I was so sick but so ready to be a mom. I had no idea what I was doing and in a way he made me the mommy I am today. He has always been my little side kick and best friend. I blinked and my baby Ethan is now a full fledged boy. He is tall and energetic at times but still loves down time to snuggle with me. 

His love of cars and Hot Wheels in particular has graduated from lining them up in a straight line on our couch to using everything and anything as a race track for the adventures his imagination cooks up. 

Lately he has been climbing into bed with me when he wakes up in the morning. I hear the treasures he carries from his bed to mine and he unloads them one by one and then grabs handfuls of my bed sheets as he pulls himself up. Sometimes he will say "mommy" as he snuggles next to me and I love it. 

Tonight as we were reading before bed he sees my necklace. It's a circle pendant that Austin had given me years ago for Valentine's Day. He looks at it, gently pats it with his pointer finger and says "I like your necklace, mommy" in his gentle voice. I tell him how I got it from daddy a long time ago. He smiles because he knows it's special.

His little heart and brain are growing so rapidly that I have to take a step back to appreciate the amazing spirit that I have been blessed with. 

I know there will be a day I won't be the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up. I know these days are numbered. He's growing too fast and I am finding it more painful as time slips away. 

This age of independence, of "I want to do it myself" and "mommy look at this" as he discovers new things is what I live for. I used to dream of changing the world but right now my world is changing me. 

Sevens Months

Sevens months guys since my chubby baby was born. I made a human. Bodies are amazing right? Second time I told myself I would lose the 'baby weight' and make my health a priority. In the past seven months I trusted my body and fed it good food and was active even when life is stressful. I didn't starve myself or put myself down. I appreciate and feel lucky to have been blessed with two healthy boys and I have the strength to take care of myself, then and their daddy. 

Last week I dropped under 200 lbs! I clocked in at 198.8. That's huge considering I have lost over 40 lbs! I know the number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story but I can SEE the change in my body. I can SEE the definition in my muscle groups. I don't care if I looks like a mess I am proud of what I do and have done everyday.  

I am amazed at how different I feel. I'm not just going through motions of life. 

I am living and I am happy. 

Feeling

This feeling again.

My knees are weak. My head is fuzzy. My soul is crying and my heart has been shattered. I can't escape this cycle of pain. 

It's happened again. The world is spinning around me. I can't breathe and I can't stop the spinning. I'm grasping for something to hold me steady because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. As my heart pounds exhaustion takes over and my mind is overwhelmed I need to sleep to drown out the darkness.

The darkness. That's what I call it. We are old friends. Only it's not my friend. 

So much of my energy and my day is spent fighting against being drug down into the depths of sadness. I'm helpless and hopeless. This thing that keeps breaking me over and over again is threatening to overtake my consciousness and fill my life with gray skies and loneliness. 

For the most part I can push it away but that's just living in denial. I train myself to numb the pain by forgetting about it. Don't think about it. That means it didn't happen, right? 

To survive I play my part each day everyday and pretend the past doesn't hurt anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to move on with out that part of me but that's the thing this darkness is a part of me now. It's comfortable with me. I keep thinking as time goes on it will fade away and not take up so much of my life where eventually I won't notice it anymore. But every time it rushes back in with a vengeance like the angry waves of the ocean during a frightening storm. Crashing and knocking the feet out from under me. 

The world wants a perfect life and happy endings. Knights in shining armor who rescue the princesses who can't help herself. You're not good enough unless you fit into the fairy tale. 

This is real life and fairy tales don't exist. The truth is messy. The truth hurts and it will tear you apart. 

At the darkest times of my life I have felt so alone. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean swimming, only I can't swim. I'm drowning. Can't breathe and panicking. I'm sinking into the depths of the deep blue water and I see everyone around me smiling. Happy. I am calling out to them to help me but my voice doesn't make a sound. I move my arms around and try to get someone's attention but they look right past me. Then the darkness settles in. 

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are."

-Robin Williams

Good Vibes and All 2015

I will be honest. I hate making resolutions. The pressure of not screwing up makes it impossible for me to keep them up and I stress myself out. I get overwhelmed easily and my brain can only process so much information. That on top of caring for my family and running our home it's pretty hefty stuff to keep on top of the priority list.

But fact is if you don't put your health first then it will catch up with you. You won't be able to take care of yourself let alone your other responsibilities.

Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.

It all ties into your health.

I get it. I have been so unhealthy that I hit rock bottom. I have been so depressed that I couldn't think of any reason to be happy. I have been in the darkest place where I couldn't function. Having issues with my weight used to mask who I really am. I couldn't think of anything else except being so sad that I had extra rolls on my stomach, or that my thighs were so jiggly, or that everyone was staring at me. That I was less of a person somehow because I had so much extra junk that I hated. So to comfort myself I turned to more food. And Pepsi. And more food. It's a cycle. Where you want to love yourself but you know if you tell yourself that it's just a lie.

Well stop it! I quit eating junk. It made me feel like junk. I quit drinking junk. It made me feel gross. I quit making excuses. I am 100% in control. So are you.

Here is proof in the pudding. I have said this before, the number on the scale doesn't matter but when you're so overweight it's nice to see that number go down. When I get to a point where I'm not focused on weight loss but muscle toning then I will start up my measurements again.

July 3rd 242 lbs a week before baby day.

July 17th 230 lbs a week after baby day.

September 10th 226.6 lbs been working out at the gym mostly weights and getting pretty frustrated at my lack of progress.

November 12th 219.2 lbs not much progress but still some. 

December 11th 213.4 lbs  had been doing Insanity instead of my weight lifting for about three weeks and I saw more definition and muscles gaining shape than the first few months of working out post baby.

December 31st 204.4 lbs had just finished a fitness challenge with some friends. I won first place with total percentage lost. 

Total weight lost 37.6 lbs in just under 6 months.

I have been watching my portions and paying attention to my body. I don't eat when I'm bored but if I want something that doesn't do much for my body nutritionally then I will have some and go on with my day. I don't like too much sugar anymore so it's not hard to stay away from that but I still love salt so I have to watch myself there. 

Ultimately it's so important to invest time in yourself. You have complete control over what happens to your body. It's hard. It takes sacrifice. It's discouraging not to see much progress day after day and week after week but you will get to a point where looking back it was all worth it. 

I never regret the early morning workouts, or the bowl of Christmas candy I didn't eat because I just don't enjoy it anymore. My body and mind needs to push itself and it needs fuel to make it stronger. Don't think of restrictions and diets and forcing yourself to workout. Think of it as being selective with what you put in your body because you are what you eat. Not all calories are created equal. Also think of how much stronger you're getting with each workout. So screw those New Years resolutions. How about making changes for life. For your life. You got this my friends.