My knees are weak. My head is fuzzy. My soul is crying and my heart has been shattered. I can't escape this cycle of pain.
It's happened again. The world is spinning around me. I can't breathe and I can't stop the spinning. I'm grasping for something to hold me steady because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. As my heart pounds exhaustion takes over and my mind is overwhelmed I need to sleep to drown out the darkness.
The darkness. That's what I call it. We are old friends. Only it's not my friend.
So much of my energy and my day is spent fighting against being drug down into the depths of sadness. I'm helpless and hopeless. This thing that keeps breaking me over and over again is threatening to overtake my consciousness and fill my life with gray skies and loneliness.
For the most part I can push it away but that's just living in denial. I train myself to numb the pain by forgetting about it. Don't think about it. That means it didn't happen, right?
To survive I play my part each day everyday and pretend the past doesn't hurt anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to move on with out that part of me but that's the thing this darkness is a part of me now. It's comfortable with me. I keep thinking as time goes on it will fade away and not take up so much of my life where eventually I won't notice it anymore. But every time it rushes back in with a vengeance like the angry waves of the ocean during a frightening storm. Crashing and knocking the feet out from under me.
The world wants a perfect life and happy endings. Knights in shining armor who rescue the princesses who can't help herself. You're not good enough unless you fit into the fairy tale.
This is real life and fairy tales don't exist. The truth is messy. The truth hurts and it will tear you apart.
At the darkest times of my life I have felt so alone. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean swimming, only I can't swim. I'm drowning. Can't breathe and panicking. I'm sinking into the depths of the deep blue water and I see everyone around me smiling. Happy. I am calling out to them to help me but my voice doesn't make a sound. I move my arms around and try to get someone's attention but they look right past me. Then the darkness settles in.
"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are."
-Robin Williams
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