Being a Mommy

Motherhood is something I had never really thought of when I was younger. Even playing with dolls or playing house I had never really envisioned myself as a mom. Sure I knew that one day I would get married and we would have babies but it wasn't something I daydreamed about. I was far too busy reading any book I could get my hands on to care about future children.

After Austin and I had gotten married the concept of babies seemed no more real than winning the lottery so I didn't think about it. I had been adopted and so had all my brothers and sisters so I had never seen my mom swell with pregnancy or even seen a pregnant woman up close. In short babies were cute but I didn't want one... yet.

Fast forward a few years. It hit me one day that I had been thinking about babies. I wanted one but I wasn't sure how to talk to Austin about it. We went to the temple and I prayed. While we were there it felt different than any other time I had been to a session. I knew that it was time to start thinking about a little one. Luckily for me Austin felt the same way. Go figure.

Fast forward a year. It had been about a year since we had started to try and on February 3rd, 2012 one little pink line changed our lives forever. Ethan will be four months old on Tuesday. I have been putting off writing his birth story because I have been recovering and then forget. Pregnant brain doesn't go away after you give birth. I have felt so much more alive these past few months. Ethan is my joy. He is my happiness. How could someone so tiny mean so much to me? Everything he does makes me smile. Everything he does is cute. Everything he does is a miracle. My little angel baby.

I have never been so happy. My joy is full. I love every minute of the day I get to spend with my little sidekick. I'm sure the day will come that he will frustrate me or I'll want to lock myself in my room to get some peace and quiet but for now I will breath in his baby smell. I will play on the floor with him. I will hold him close and thank my Father in Heaven for my most precious gift. Being a mommy is everything I have ever wanted that I never knew I wanted.

Bloggin' Again

I took some time off this blog to focus on my pregnancy and to try to keep up my pregnancy blog but I didn't do as much writing as I would have liked. I wish I could combine both the blogs but don't know how so if any of you out there know how to PLEASE tell me. Now that my life is getting into a routing with my new little baby boy I feel like I have a chance to slow down and appreciate what's going on. I also want to save these memories as they happen. My brain hasn't been the same since becoming pregnant. I have now become even more of a (korean) blonde as my dad would say.

Everyday is a blessing. A gift that I don't know how I managed to come by and don't know how I deserve to be so happy. I love taking care of my baby. Ethan is my heart. He is a part of me and his daddy that I just want to hold in my arms forever and never let him go. No school. No dating. No driving. No dangerous sports. EVER!!!

But seriously let's be real. I have to let him go little bits at a time eventually. Right now I get to enjoy him and be his everything. I love being a mommy. I love the smiles he greets me with every morning and the way know each other so well. He's my little love. I have so much gratitude for my other love. My sweet Austin has been working so hard and working so many long hours to give us enough money to get by. Thank you baby. You are the best for working so hard for us.

 I always considered myself a career woman. Work full time since I graduated high school then work my way up to management at work. I love the people I worked with. I love the lessons on finances that I learned. It is something I will take with me through out the rest of my life and something I will teach my children. Now that I get to be a stay at home mommy I can focus on being healthy. Slow myself down and enjoy things that I didn't let myself. Like cooking. I always felt so tired and not really in the mood to learn to cook different things. Pinterest has changed that and I think Austin's a fan!

Um I'll be the first to admit that I gained way too much weight with my pregnancy. Combination of things made it hard to control my hunger and cravings; thanks Cafe Rio!! :(. I was already heavier than I wanted to be to begin with but then to add baby weight on top of that is just unfair. But enough of blaming my pregnancy for my waistline haha. I have made fueling my body and working out a priority. I have been working out for almost 3 weeks and I have lost over 7 pounds. Not stellar but it's progress. I eat more protein. It's been over a week since I drank soda. I try not to eat out. Losing weight is very hard for me. I get so frustrated with the number on the scale that I just stop trying. So my focus isn't on the number it's on my daily calorie intake and working out almost everyday. I find that when I do work out I have more energy as well as a very good mood. I can take on the day and sleep better. I eat better too and drink my water. Finding out what makes my body happy also makes my mind happy. Yay for being happy.

My ultimate goal is to be healthy so I can keep up with Ethan when he's mobile and can run around. I want to be the mom who is riding bikes with him and playing sports. Not sitting on the sidelines. I refuse to miss anything in my sons life because of my health because I love him and I am learning to love myself too.

Quick Thought

As I am getting ready for the day and eating my Special K cereal (I'm going to take extra care of my body because I gained so much over the holidays and I could not get under the 183lb marker for the life of me) I was on my laptop watching some music videos. The intention was to watch one that I knew would nurse my bad attitude today.
Well the first thing I saw was a music video by Josh Kelly with his and Katherine Heigl's little adopted Korean American baby girl. He wrote that song for her and as I was watching it I started to ball uncontrollably. Austin and I have been trying to start our family for over a year and for some reason that struck up something in my heart that I had been trying to ignore. Just because we are having a hard time doesn't mean it's ok for me to carry around this attitude like the world is ending. I have a responsibility to take care of myself and be happy and enjoy the time I have with my husband until we do have little ones running around.
I was hit with the impression that it will all be ok and that my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I am where He wants me and that is all that matters. I have lost sight of the joy that the gospel gives us and I just wanted to share.

Weight... What?

There comes a time in your life when you can't keep lying to the person in the mirror anymore. When clothes don't fit like they used to and when you realize your happy fat isn't making you very happy. You are constantly stressed out and tired and you know that the food or drinks you are drinking aren't making you feel better but worse! This is what I feel like and this is the very last straw!

It isn't a problem of laziness, although that would be a nice change, but a problem of self worth. I don't think I'm important enough to take care of my health. I am very good at taking care of work, school, home (sort of) but I don't make myself a priority enough to use the gym pass I am neglecting and to eat healthy food. Why can't there be a magic pill or something that takes me back to my high school weight? Ugh!

So I am putting it in writing that I will follow these guidelines for myself for a healthy lifestyle change because diet is a dirty word, right?

1. NO SODA
2. Work out 4 hours a week
3. Get a decent amount of sleep
4. Grocery shop for healthy foods once a week
5. On my days off make myself a priority
6. Take doggies on walks more often
7. Get rid of junk food (it's my weakness... there's a jar full of candy right next to me.. haunting me)
8. Relax

Ok my blog reading friends! I will show you that I can reach my goal of dropping 15-20 pounds by the end of the year! So I have 52 days to make a difference for myself! Wish me luck!

Balance so far...

This year for me was supposed to be about balance. Mainly incorporating fitness, healthy eating (NO dieting), my church and time for myself as well as school at the same time I wanted to improve and be more productive at work. 

That's a lot for anyone to handle. It is July 21st, 2011 and I can say that I have not lost a single pound although I know I can complete a 5k within a reasonable amount of time. I still eat out and my snacks still aren't strictly carrots and celery. I wanted to be more involved with church. I have just gotten a primary calling with my sweetheart and I am starting visiting teaching but I haven't made one effort to get closer to my Father in Heaven. My work is merging in a week and I still feel clueless and unsure about my abilities to take on a whole new credit union in a matter of days. 

But I realized life isn't about being perfect at every single one of those things I have aspirations for but to be happy with what I can do. I love my life. I love the man I've married. I have learned to accept some hard choices I have made but I know it was all for the benefit of learning. It's ok to fall down as long as I pick myself right back up and keep going. 

Balance

For me this year is all about balance.

How to live without regrets. How to work hard with everything in me, take care of my house and feel satisfied. How to be healthy and active without becoming burnt out. How to eat right and to consume things that are good for me and not just good for my tastebuds. How to be financially stable and to correct some habits that keep getting me in trouble. Yes I know. I work for a financial institution and I fully admit to not having my monies in the right place at the right time for the right things. Ugh denial is a hard road to travel.

So if you don't hear much from me it's because I am learning the fine art of living a life that is full of happiness, hard work and a bunch of kicking my own ass to be on the right track for myself.

Keep ya posted blogging world.

Howl-oween!

Oskar and Maggie are so cute in their little costumes! They were so excited to try them on and wanted to show off that Austin and I couldn't say no. They are certainly ready for the best Howl-oween ever!