Growing Pains

I remember when he was born. I was so sick but so ready to be a mom. I had no idea what I was doing and in a way he made me the mommy I am today. He has always been my little side kick and best friend. I blinked and my baby Ethan is now a full fledged boy. He is tall and energetic at times but still loves down time to snuggle with me. 

His love of cars and Hot Wheels in particular has graduated from lining them up in a straight line on our couch to using everything and anything as a race track for the adventures his imagination cooks up. 

Lately he has been climbing into bed with me when he wakes up in the morning. I hear the treasures he carries from his bed to mine and he unloads them one by one and then grabs handfuls of my bed sheets as he pulls himself up. Sometimes he will say "mommy" as he snuggles next to me and I love it. 

Tonight as we were reading before bed he sees my necklace. It's a circle pendant that Austin had given me years ago for Valentine's Day. He looks at it, gently pats it with his pointer finger and says "I like your necklace, mommy" in his gentle voice. I tell him how I got it from daddy a long time ago. He smiles because he knows it's special.

His little heart and brain are growing so rapidly that I have to take a step back to appreciate the amazing spirit that I have been blessed with. 

I know there will be a day I won't be the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up. I know these days are numbered. He's growing too fast and I am finding it more painful as time slips away. 

This age of independence, of "I want to do it myself" and "mommy look at this" as he discovers new things is what I live for. I used to dream of changing the world but right now my world is changing me. 

Sevens Months

Sevens months guys since my chubby baby was born. I made a human. Bodies are amazing right? Second time I told myself I would lose the 'baby weight' and make my health a priority. In the past seven months I trusted my body and fed it good food and was active even when life is stressful. I didn't starve myself or put myself down. I appreciate and feel lucky to have been blessed with two healthy boys and I have the strength to take care of myself, then and their daddy. 

Last week I dropped under 200 lbs! I clocked in at 198.8. That's huge considering I have lost over 40 lbs! I know the number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story but I can SEE the change in my body. I can SEE the definition in my muscle groups. I don't care if I looks like a mess I am proud of what I do and have done everyday.  

I am amazed at how different I feel. I'm not just going through motions of life. 

I am living and I am happy. 

Feeling

This feeling again.

My knees are weak. My head is fuzzy. My soul is crying and my heart has been shattered. I can't escape this cycle of pain. 

It's happened again. The world is spinning around me. I can't breathe and I can't stop the spinning. I'm grasping for something to hold me steady because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. As my heart pounds exhaustion takes over and my mind is overwhelmed I need to sleep to drown out the darkness.

The darkness. That's what I call it. We are old friends. Only it's not my friend. 

So much of my energy and my day is spent fighting against being drug down into the depths of sadness. I'm helpless and hopeless. This thing that keeps breaking me over and over again is threatening to overtake my consciousness and fill my life with gray skies and loneliness. 

For the most part I can push it away but that's just living in denial. I train myself to numb the pain by forgetting about it. Don't think about it. That means it didn't happen, right? 

To survive I play my part each day everyday and pretend the past doesn't hurt anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to move on with out that part of me but that's the thing this darkness is a part of me now. It's comfortable with me. I keep thinking as time goes on it will fade away and not take up so much of my life where eventually I won't notice it anymore. But every time it rushes back in with a vengeance like the angry waves of the ocean during a frightening storm. Crashing and knocking the feet out from under me. 

The world wants a perfect life and happy endings. Knights in shining armor who rescue the princesses who can't help herself. You're not good enough unless you fit into the fairy tale. 

This is real life and fairy tales don't exist. The truth is messy. The truth hurts and it will tear you apart. 

At the darkest times of my life I have felt so alone. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean swimming, only I can't swim. I'm drowning. Can't breathe and panicking. I'm sinking into the depths of the deep blue water and I see everyone around me smiling. Happy. I am calling out to them to help me but my voice doesn't make a sound. I move my arms around and try to get someone's attention but they look right past me. Then the darkness settles in. 

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are."

-Robin Williams

Good Vibes and All 2015

I will be honest. I hate making resolutions. The pressure of not screwing up makes it impossible for me to keep them up and I stress myself out. I get overwhelmed easily and my brain can only process so much information. That on top of caring for my family and running our home it's pretty hefty stuff to keep on top of the priority list.

But fact is if you don't put your health first then it will catch up with you. You won't be able to take care of yourself let alone your other responsibilities.

Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.

It all ties into your health.

I get it. I have been so unhealthy that I hit rock bottom. I have been so depressed that I couldn't think of any reason to be happy. I have been in the darkest place where I couldn't function. Having issues with my weight used to mask who I really am. I couldn't think of anything else except being so sad that I had extra rolls on my stomach, or that my thighs were so jiggly, or that everyone was staring at me. That I was less of a person somehow because I had so much extra junk that I hated. So to comfort myself I turned to more food. And Pepsi. And more food. It's a cycle. Where you want to love yourself but you know if you tell yourself that it's just a lie.

Well stop it! I quit eating junk. It made me feel like junk. I quit drinking junk. It made me feel gross. I quit making excuses. I am 100% in control. So are you.

Here is proof in the pudding. I have said this before, the number on the scale doesn't matter but when you're so overweight it's nice to see that number go down. When I get to a point where I'm not focused on weight loss but muscle toning then I will start up my measurements again.

July 3rd 242 lbs a week before baby day.

July 17th 230 lbs a week after baby day.

September 10th 226.6 lbs been working out at the gym mostly weights and getting pretty frustrated at my lack of progress.

November 12th 219.2 lbs not much progress but still some. 

December 11th 213.4 lbs  had been doing Insanity instead of my weight lifting for about three weeks and I saw more definition and muscles gaining shape than the first few months of working out post baby.

December 31st 204.4 lbs had just finished a fitness challenge with some friends. I won first place with total percentage lost. 

Total weight lost 37.6 lbs in just under 6 months.

I have been watching my portions and paying attention to my body. I don't eat when I'm bored but if I want something that doesn't do much for my body nutritionally then I will have some and go on with my day. I don't like too much sugar anymore so it's not hard to stay away from that but I still love salt so I have to watch myself there. 

Ultimately it's so important to invest time in yourself. You have complete control over what happens to your body. It's hard. It takes sacrifice. It's discouraging not to see much progress day after day and week after week but you will get to a point where looking back it was all worth it. 

I never regret the early morning workouts, or the bowl of Christmas candy I didn't eat because I just don't enjoy it anymore. My body and mind needs to push itself and it needs fuel to make it stronger. Don't think of restrictions and diets and forcing yourself to workout. Think of it as being selective with what you put in your body because you are what you eat. Not all calories are created equal. Also think of how much stronger you're getting with each workout. So screw those New Years resolutions. How about making changes for life. For your life. You got this my friends.

Twenty Nine Years

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Twenty nine years ago tomorrow is the day my birth mom brought me into this world knowing she would make the choice to give me away. Was that hard for her? Did she spend time with me after I was born? I like to think she might have held me close and studied my face before kissing me good bye and wishing me a happy life.

I know I was given to the adoption agency the day I was born.

Korean culture is very different than American culture. I am just beginning to learn about the many babies that are put up for adoption or left on the streets to die because it is shameful for woman to be single mothers. I am forever grateful she didn't do the alternative. The past years I have started to wonder about her. After having my two babies I couldn't imagine being in a situation where I thought the best for them is for someone else to raise them or not being able to keep the babies and being forced to leave them somewhere and go on with my life.

Breaks my heart.

I have so many questions.

About my birth mother, my birth father, their life and families.

Who's eyes do I have? Hair? Nose? Fingers and toes? Do their smiles have dimples like mine? Where did I get the tall gene from? Do they want to know about my life? About me? Who I have become?

Do they think about me especially around my birthday? Will I ever find them or will they find me?

I am ready for this journey to start. To put the missing pieces back together of who I am and where I came from. There has always been a dull ache in my heart. Every year it gets stronger and it is pulling me to discover more about my heritage, my culture and about my adoption.

I am proud of who I am. I hope my birth mother and father would be too.

Happy birthday to me.

Time to weigh in on the subject

It's time to weigh in. It has been 1 week since I posted my weight and measurements. Keeping in mind that I didn't weigh myself or take measurements until the 3rd week I started working out this is what I have so far. Two of the three weeks I only worked out for 3 and 4 times a week instead of 5 because I caught the cold that's been going around from my boys. I generally like to take it easy for a day or two but then I come back strong. 

I am happy with any progress so let's begin.

	Starting 9/15/15	Current 9/22/15	Difference
Weight (lbs)	226.8	223	-3.8
Measurements (inches)
Hips	49 1/2	49 1/2	0
Waist	38	37 1/2	-1/2
Left Thigh	30 1/2	29 3/4	-3/4
Right Thigh	30	29 1/2	-1/2
Left Arm	13 1/2	13 1/4	-1/4
Right Arm	13 1/4	13	-1/4
Bust	41 1/2	41 1/4	-1/4
Total Inches			-2 1/2

The scared and insecure Jen is the one in the way of my happiness. 

I was in the way of taking charge of my life. Well not anymore. 

I am good enough. 

I can do it. 

I don't care how many times I try to talk myself out of doing what is best for my body, mind and spirit. I will conquer the unknown with my head held high and I will be strong for myself. I have learned to be strong on my own. I have learned to nourish my body properly on my own. I am teaching myself a better way to live on my own. I am 100% responsible for what happens to me. 

I will show myself over and over again that I can and I will break down the barrier between the old me and the new me. 

Love,

Jen

Flabby? More like Fabulous!

Hey guys!

Life has been so hectic the last few months and I know we have a lot of catching up to do. First off two months ago I had a baby! Yay!

Seriously how awesome is my body? I grew a human. Gave birth. Took a little while to recover but now I'm feeling great. Now I am about to start my fitness journey back up. Again.

If you know me you know that I had gained way too much with my first pregnancy then it took 18 months to work it off. I changed my eating to include more nutritious foods, drank more water, moved my body and made an effort to be more happy. That last one is key because first off you need to love yourself. You're not punishing yourself by putting good things in your body. You are giving your body and yourself what it needs. Good food = good mood I like to think.

Anyway first pregnancy I gained just over 90 lbs (let's be real here. I had no self control and no idea what to expect) and my second pregnancy I gained 65 lbs (I did a little better this time but still more than I would like). So far 15 has come off since baby's birth day and I have 50 lbs left to work off. We are averaging here because weight fluctuates. Also I try not to get hung up with the number on the scale. That doesn't show the whole story because muscle is more dense than fat. I am going to focus more on my measurements. I haven't done them yet, yes I'm a slacker, but I'm doing them now. Two and half weeks into my fitness journey.

Hips 49 1/2
Waist 38
Left Thigh 30 1/2
Right Thigh 30
Left Arm 13 1/2
Right Arm 13 1/4
Bust 41 1/2

This comparison is a week after baby was born on left and then a few days ago on the right. Don't judge this picture is very scary for me to show but I want to 100% real with you guys.

I am following bitesizedfitness.com's 12 week workout plans. Alyse Scaffidi is amazing and so motivating. I also follow her on instagram @bitesizedfitness. She has so many components to her site. Fitness. Nutrition. Challenges and a blog. She also has videos on Youtube that show you how to do certain workouts so you don't feel completely lost in the weight section at the gym.

You all know I HATE calorie counting. It stresses me out more than it's worth and not all calories are created equal. A 500 calorie burger is not the same as a 500 calorie salad. So what I do that worked really well for me after I had my first son is to eat clean!

Clean eating is eating foods as close to possible to their natural state. I eat when I'm hungry and often. Every 2 hours about. I limit my processed foods. My goal is 80/20 and I do the best I can and don't worry. No guilt. These past few months I have slowly transitioned myself to cleaner foods and drinking more water.

That does it for my fitness start off post. If you have any questions please comment. I am not an expert but I have learned a lot working off over 90 lbs after my first son was born. Thank you for reading friends!

Love,

jen