Twenty Nine Years

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Twenty nine years ago tomorrow is the day my birth mom brought me into this world knowing she would make the choice to give me away. Was that hard for her? Did she spend time with me after I was born? I like to think she might have held me close and studied my face before kissing me good bye and wishing me a happy life.

I know I was given to the adoption agency the day I was born.

Korean culture is very different than American culture. I am just beginning to learn about the many babies that are put up for adoption or left on the streets to die because it is shameful for woman to be single mothers. I am forever grateful she didn't do the alternative. The past years I have started to wonder about her. After having my two babies I couldn't imagine being in a situation where I thought the best for them is for someone else to raise them or not being able to keep the babies and being forced to leave them somewhere and go on with my life.

Breaks my heart.

I have so many questions.

About my birth mother, my birth father, their life and families.

Who's eyes do I have? Hair? Nose? Fingers and toes? Do their smiles have dimples like mine? Where did I get the tall gene from? Do they want to know about my life? About me? Who I have become?

Do they think about me especially around my birthday? Will I ever find them or will they find me?

I am ready for this journey to start. To put the missing pieces back together of who I am and where I came from. There has always been a dull ache in my heart. Every year it gets stronger and it is pulling me to discover more about my heritage, my culture and about my adoption.

I am proud of who I am. I hope my birth mother and father would be too.

Happy birthday to me.

Time to weigh in on the subject

It's time to weigh in. It has been 1 week since I posted my weight and measurements. Keeping in mind that I didn't weigh myself or take measurements until the 3rd week I started working out this is what I have so far. Two of the three weeks I only worked out for 3 and 4 times a week instead of 5 because I caught the cold that's been going around from my boys. I generally like to take it easy for a day or two but then I come back strong. 

I am happy with any progress so let's begin.

	Starting 9/15/15	Current 9/22/15	Difference
Weight (lbs)	226.8	223	-3.8
Measurements (inches)
Hips	49 1/2	49 1/2	0
Waist	38	37 1/2	-1/2
Left Thigh	30 1/2	29 3/4	-3/4
Right Thigh	30	29 1/2	-1/2
Left Arm	13 1/2	13 1/4	-1/4
Right Arm	13 1/4	13	-1/4
Bust	41 1/2	41 1/4	-1/4
Total Inches			-2 1/2

The scared and insecure Jen is the one in the way of my happiness. 

I was in the way of taking charge of my life. Well not anymore. 

I am good enough. 

I can do it. 

I don't care how many times I try to talk myself out of doing what is best for my body, mind and spirit. I will conquer the unknown with my head held high and I will be strong for myself. I have learned to be strong on my own. I have learned to nourish my body properly on my own. I am teaching myself a better way to live on my own. I am 100% responsible for what happens to me. 

I will show myself over and over again that I can and I will break down the barrier between the old me and the new me. 

Love,

Jen

Flabby? More like Fabulous!

Hey guys!

Life has been so hectic the last few months and I know we have a lot of catching up to do. First off two months ago I had a baby! Yay!

Seriously how awesome is my body? I grew a human. Gave birth. Took a little while to recover but now I'm feeling great. Now I am about to start my fitness journey back up. Again.

If you know me you know that I had gained way too much with my first pregnancy then it took 18 months to work it off. I changed my eating to include more nutritious foods, drank more water, moved my body and made an effort to be more happy. That last one is key because first off you need to love yourself. You're not punishing yourself by putting good things in your body. You are giving your body and yourself what it needs. Good food = good mood I like to think.

Anyway first pregnancy I gained just over 90 lbs (let's be real here. I had no self control and no idea what to expect) and my second pregnancy I gained 65 lbs (I did a little better this time but still more than I would like). So far 15 has come off since baby's birth day and I have 50 lbs left to work off. We are averaging here because weight fluctuates. Also I try not to get hung up with the number on the scale. That doesn't show the whole story because muscle is more dense than fat. I am going to focus more on my measurements. I haven't done them yet, yes I'm a slacker, but I'm doing them now. Two and half weeks into my fitness journey.

Hips 49 1/2
Waist 38
Left Thigh 30 1/2
Right Thigh 30
Left Arm 13 1/2
Right Arm 13 1/4
Bust 41 1/2

This comparison is a week after baby was born on left and then a few days ago on the right. Don't judge this picture is very scary for me to show but I want to 100% real with you guys.

I am following bitesizedfitness.com's 12 week workout plans. Alyse Scaffidi is amazing and so motivating. I also follow her on instagram @bitesizedfitness. She has so many components to her site. Fitness. Nutrition. Challenges and a blog. She also has videos on Youtube that show you how to do certain workouts so you don't feel completely lost in the weight section at the gym.

You all know I HATE calorie counting. It stresses me out more than it's worth and not all calories are created equal. A 500 calorie burger is not the same as a 500 calorie salad. So what I do that worked really well for me after I had my first son is to eat clean!

Clean eating is eating foods as close to possible to their natural state. I eat when I'm hungry and often. Every 2 hours about. I limit my processed foods. My goal is 80/20 and I do the best I can and don't worry. No guilt. These past few months I have slowly transitioned myself to cleaner foods and drinking more water.

That does it for my fitness start off post. If you have any questions please comment. I am not an expert but I have learned a lot working off over 90 lbs after my first son was born. Thank you for reading friends!

Love,

jen

Well here we are...

Today is July 9th, 2015 at 6:48 pm. I am alone at home. This is weird.

Austin is in class. Ethan is with Gramma Cenie for a few days. He left with her over an hour ago and I feel a range of mixed emotions. Of course he needs to be with her. We are having baby brother tomorrow and he can't be there.

My mommy heart is lonely. I miss his little face and his high pitched voice. The way he carries his toy cars around and lines them up on the couch. I tear up thinking about how much I miss him.

On the other hand I haven't really processed what will happen tomorrow. My c section is scheduled and I have known that for weeks but I haven't really come to terms with what that means. I guess Ethan has helped keep my mind off things.

Things like this:

My c section is tomorrow.
I am having surgery.
My second son will be born.
I will have two kids.
I will be disassembled and put back together.
I won't have baby in my belly anymore.
I won't be pregnant.
I hope I don't get sick from the anesthesia like last time.
I hope I recover quickly and well.
Recovery after Ethan was awful and I'm scared of PPD.
Ethan is going to be a sweet big brother.
What will baby look like?
Will he be a sweet baby like Ethan was?

Ok so the train of thought I have usually starts off scary then turns around to excitement and then wonder. That's normal right? But seriously I am not really sure how I will feel after surgery. With Ethan I was super sick and super out of it. I want to be more present to enjoy the first day of this one. I'm sure I will.

I also wanted to say how thankful I am to have Austin by my side. He has been my rock and my strength and I know I am so lucky to have him as my husband and father to my babies. I love him more with every life experience we share together.

Anyway I wanted to check in. Share my thoughts. Have a great day and I will try not to freak out.

jen

38 Weeks Pregnant

Whoa where'd that belly come from?

I am incredibly blessed! This pregnancy seems to be flying by and I couldn't be more in love with my little family. 

Tomorrow will be my 26th week. I think that means I'm 6 1/2 months along. I have my 27 week doctor appointment next week with the dreaded glucose test. With Ethan's pregnancy I failed the first test and had to do the three hour test but passed. It was very uncomfortable and made me sick but I feel so much healthier overall I don't think I'll have an issue. 

I haven't written as much as I hoped with this pregnancy but I am more focusing on enjoying it. Here's a little bit of how this pregnancy is going. We have chosen a name. Oliver (Ollie for short)! Right now he should weigh around 2 pounds and about 14 inches long. His eyes that have been fused shut should start to open this week and he can sense bright light. He can also hear and has been able to for a few weeks. We have been talking to him and like to think he knows mommy and daddy's voices. 

He seems to be more active when I'm settling down for th bed and when I'm waking up with the morning. Sometime I can feel him squirm around during the middle of the night. Unless I'm relaxing he is pretty quiet during the day. 

My belly button has popped a few weeks ago and it seems like I am all belly this pregnancy. Haven't had too much swelling but I can feel it start when I don't drink as much water as I need to. I can tell my hips are stretching but I don't feel like I've gained much weight like I did with Ethan. 

I'm not stressed too much about my diet but I am trying to eat better foods when I can and indulging in cravings here and there. My fitness goal is to work out hard and clean up my diet after the six weeks of recovery and to lean up and be back in my size 8 jeans by March of 2016. I know I can do! 

And I'm back!!!

To say I have neglected my blog the past 6 months would be an understatement but I am pregnant so I  am allowed to have a few things slip right?

For all my readers (whoever you are <3 28="" a="" am="" an="" and="" anymore="" average="" awkward="" be="" being="" blog="" but="" can="" constantly="" crazy="" figuring="" finding="" for="" get="" grateful="" happy="" having="" i="" is="" it="" join="" journal="" journey.="" just="" keep="" know="" life="" love="" makes="" me="" my="" nbsp="" of="" old="" on="" out="" p="" reasons="" record="" resonate="" ride.="" save="" see="" so="" someone.="" still="" t="" that="" the="" things="" this="" through="" to="" visited="" want="" went="" what="" with="" words="" year="" you.="" you="">
The last time I posted I had been dealing with the emotional trauma of my body miscarrying our second pregnancy. Those were hard words to write but ultimately I believe they helped so much to my healing. After friends and family read those I had so many women tell me they went through the same thing- even multiple miscarriages! I was overwhelmed by the response and support I got. So if you reached out to me please know that you helped this girl and I can smile today because you touched my life in a difficult time.

What you all don't know is about two weeks after my miscarriage my body decided it was ready for another baby!

That's right everyone I am PREGNANT!!!

Of course I am now well past the danger zone and finally able to relax knowing the likelihood of that happening again is minimal. I know other things could happen but I choose not to worry. Because stress is bad for baby and who wants that?

I wanted to record a little about what this pregnancy has been like so far:

Due Date is July 17th 2015
I am 23 weeks and 2 days pregnant
I gained about 10 pounds with the miscarriage and depression (started out 175)
With this pregnancy I have gained 21 pounds so far making me 206- but I don't want to focus on the number. This is purely for comparison with my first pregnancy

The first 2 1/2 months I was so sick and tired that I couldn't even function and started feeling like my self by the end of January
All I wanted to eat was things I didn't cook- made my eating healthy hard
Three weeks ago I started cutting out things that weren't so good for me
First week in December I had a bleeding scare and thought we were miscarrying again. Turns out I pushed it too hard at the gym that morning (I was scared of how much weight I had put on already so I didn't want to get too big) went to the doctor and everything was ok
Two weeks ago I started working out again.
I want to work out 5 days a week for the rest of my pregnancy and I am hoping that will help with the baby blues after baby is here. I also want to see how it helps me recover.

Also baby is a BOY! Ethan is going to have a little brother and we are thrilled! Especially daddy. Speaking of which I don't normally show my affection for Austin publicly a lot but I am so grateful he chose me. Through this whole thing he just amazes me how supportive he has been and how much he can do to take care of our family. You have my heart forever baby.

Alright everyone I will try to keep this up and going. Please let me know what you think. I love feedback. Have a wonderful start to your week!

Love,
Jennifer