It's been two weeks...

When things are hard and when you suffer you never know what exactly will pull you back from the depths of pain that threaten to swallow you up.

Day by day the shattered pieces of my heart are put back together 💔 it's been two weeks since my miscarriage and thanks to the support from the angels in my life I am feeling almost normal and happy! 

Special thanks to my dear friends and family who reached out and brought meals, flowers and gifts and just spent time with me. Also the ones who sent sweet messages of comfort and support. You will never know how it helped heal my spirit. I love you all ❤️!!!

A special thanks to my sweetheart Austin you were my strength when I needed you the most. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 😘. 

 

Sorting it all out

October 10, 2014

I am still coming to terms with everything that's happened in the past few days. 

A week ago I was unmeasurabley happy with being pregnant. 

Saturday I was concerned. 

Sunday I was terrified. 

Monday I was heartbroken. 

In the quiet moments where I have my thoughts to myself that's where it's hard. My emotions bubble up and threatened to consume me with unending sadness. I can't let myself drown in my sorrow. I have Ethan to take care of. I want to show Austin I'm strong. I am strong. 

I am not bitter because this happened. I am more me because this happened. I feel more and are deeper and caring because this happened. So many of my friends have supported me because they know how I feel and I just hope I can be support for someone dear to me in the future. 

I feel the lose of my baby. I wonder if their heart even beat strong inside me. I wonder if they ever felt of my love. 

So this is goodbye for now

October 8, 2014

My dear sweet baby,

My heart aches as I am writing this to you and for you. Even before we knew we were pregnant I loved you. I worried about you and I hoped everything would be ok. 

Saturday night I started bleeding. Sunday morning it got worse. Sunday afternoon and night it was bad. Monday morning I was cramping and bleeding so much. It was so scary and I knew that you were gone.

We made it to the doctors office a little early Monday morning. I am never early so I knew it was a big deal. I was strangely calm as I waited for your daddy to meet us and as I helped your big brother play with his toy cars. We got into the ultra sound office with the tech and she had a hard time finding you. Finally she found your embryonic sac. There was nothing inside. She didn't say anything but I knew. 

The tech left in a hurry to get the Doctor and they came back both looking very concerned. They said they are sorry. At that moment it was like all the calm I felt earlier shattered and pain shot through me in every direction. I couldn't hold it in and I broke down. They gave me hugs that truly meant a lot. We decided to have an operation to get the rest of the tissue out. 

All this time I knew. I knew there was something wrong. 

I came back to the hospital for the surgery a few hours later and the nurses and the anesthesiologist rushed right in and took care of me. I fell asleep and when I woke up I knew you were really gone. They wheeled me back to your daddy who was waiting anxiously. I was so sleepy but I could hear the nurse talk to him and tell him how to take care of me. 

He is such a loving man. You would have loved him. It's been a few days since and I cannot let another day go by with out saying goodbye. For now. I look forward to the day when I can hold you in my arms. When I can look into your face and see whose eyes you have. What color your hair is. My heart is broken because I won't get to see you in this life but in the next your daddy says I will. 

Just know I love you with all my heart. You always have a piece of it where ever you are. 

Love forever,

Mommy

When the heart breaks...

There have been many times where I would say my heart has been broken. Beyond repair even. Everytime it has healed. I put myself back together and have been stronger, more compassionate and understanding. But it has never been broken like this.

It has been 24 days since Austin and I found out we were expecting. 

It has also been 8 days since we found out we wouldn't be holding that baby in our arms. 

I miscarried.

I had no idea what was going on but the week before I felt intense cramps. Like what you would feel during Braxton hicks. After a call to the doctors office they told me if there was no bleeding then I was mostly dehydrated. So I drank water and they went away the next day. 

Then the bleeding started. I kept a journal to baby #2 and this is what I wrote when I first realized there was something wrong. 

October 5, 2014

A little scared... 

This weeked was one I was looking forward to. It was General Conference weekend where we listen to words of our prophet and apostles. Unfortunately my mind was on you. 

Last night I started to have pink discharge and it has darkened to red like a period flow. It's scared me. I am resting and sleeping as much as I can today. Tomorrow morning I will call the doctor and go in to make sure you are healthy and growing as you should. It's so hard not to think of what could be going wrong.

This isn't a happy post but one I needed to write. I love you little baby no matter what happens. We will wait until tomorrow to see what happens. 

Love always,

Mommy

I have thought long and hard about sharing this part of my life. I don't want pity but I want to share this very personal story to help others who may be going through the same thing. There will be more posts about this experience. Please be respectful.