It's been two weeks...

When things are hard and when you suffer you never know what exactly will pull you back from the depths of pain that threaten to swallow you up.

Day by day the shattered pieces of my heart are put back together 💔 it's been two weeks since my miscarriage and thanks to the support from the angels in my life I am feeling almost normal and happy! 

Special thanks to my dear friends and family who reached out and brought meals, flowers and gifts and just spent time with me. Also the ones who sent sweet messages of comfort and support. You will never know how it helped heal my spirit. I love you all ❤️!!!

A special thanks to my sweetheart Austin you were my strength when I needed you the most. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 😘. 

 

Sorting it all out

October 10, 2014

I am still coming to terms with everything that's happened in the past few days. 

A week ago I was unmeasurabley happy with being pregnant. 

Saturday I was concerned. 

Sunday I was terrified. 

Monday I was heartbroken. 

In the quiet moments where I have my thoughts to myself that's where it's hard. My emotions bubble up and threatened to consume me with unending sadness. I can't let myself drown in my sorrow. I have Ethan to take care of. I want to show Austin I'm strong. I am strong. 

I am not bitter because this happened. I am more me because this happened. I feel more and are deeper and caring because this happened. So many of my friends have supported me because they know how I feel and I just hope I can be support for someone dear to me in the future. 

I feel the lose of my baby. I wonder if their heart even beat strong inside me. I wonder if they ever felt of my love. 

So this is goodbye for now

October 8, 2014

My dear sweet baby,

My heart aches as I am writing this to you and for you. Even before we knew we were pregnant I loved you. I worried about you and I hoped everything would be ok. 

Saturday night I started bleeding. Sunday morning it got worse. Sunday afternoon and night it was bad. Monday morning I was cramping and bleeding so much. It was so scary and I knew that you were gone.

We made it to the doctors office a little early Monday morning. I am never early so I knew it was a big deal. I was strangely calm as I waited for your daddy to meet us and as I helped your big brother play with his toy cars. We got into the ultra sound office with the tech and she had a hard time finding you. Finally she found your embryonic sac. There was nothing inside. She didn't say anything but I knew. 

The tech left in a hurry to get the Doctor and they came back both looking very concerned. They said they are sorry. At that moment it was like all the calm I felt earlier shattered and pain shot through me in every direction. I couldn't hold it in and I broke down. They gave me hugs that truly meant a lot. We decided to have an operation to get the rest of the tissue out. 

All this time I knew. I knew there was something wrong. 

I came back to the hospital for the surgery a few hours later and the nurses and the anesthesiologist rushed right in and took care of me. I fell asleep and when I woke up I knew you were really gone. They wheeled me back to your daddy who was waiting anxiously. I was so sleepy but I could hear the nurse talk to him and tell him how to take care of me. 

He is such a loving man. You would have loved him. It's been a few days since and I cannot let another day go by with out saying goodbye. For now. I look forward to the day when I can hold you in my arms. When I can look into your face and see whose eyes you have. What color your hair is. My heart is broken because I won't get to see you in this life but in the next your daddy says I will. 

Just know I love you with all my heart. You always have a piece of it where ever you are. 

Love forever,

Mommy

When the heart breaks...

There have been many times where I would say my heart has been broken. Beyond repair even. Everytime it has healed. I put myself back together and have been stronger, more compassionate and understanding. But it has never been broken like this.

It has been 24 days since Austin and I found out we were expecting. 

It has also been 8 days since we found out we wouldn't be holding that baby in our arms. 

I miscarried.

I had no idea what was going on but the week before I felt intense cramps. Like what you would feel during Braxton hicks. After a call to the doctors office they told me if there was no bleeding then I was mostly dehydrated. So I drank water and they went away the next day. 

Then the bleeding started. I kept a journal to baby #2 and this is what I wrote when I first realized there was something wrong. 

October 5, 2014

A little scared... 

This weeked was one I was looking forward to. It was General Conference weekend where we listen to words of our prophet and apostles. Unfortunately my mind was on you. 

Last night I started to have pink discharge and it has darkened to red like a period flow. It's scared me. I am resting and sleeping as much as I can today. Tomorrow morning I will call the doctor and go in to make sure you are healthy and growing as you should. It's so hard not to think of what could be going wrong.

This isn't a happy post but one I needed to write. I love you little baby no matter what happens. We will wait until tomorrow to see what happens. 

Love always,

Mommy

I have thought long and hard about sharing this part of my life. I don't want pity but I want to share this very personal story to help others who may be going through the same thing. There will be more posts about this experience. Please be respectful. 

Let's Get Something Straight

Bear Lake, Utah

I read an article about how one Korean Adoptee doesn't like to be referred to as a Korean Adoptee. She stated that she didn't want an action that she had no control over define her. How simple a statement but also a powerful one.

Up until recently I have been complacent in learning about my heritage. Growing up I knew I was adopted. My brothers and sisters were too so it wasn't anything new. I have never known anything other than my family. I like my family. Only in my heart I knew there has always been a part of me that is curious what my life would have been like if I had remained in Korea but for the most part I was grateful to be given a better chance at life. 

With the internet there is so much I can do to learn about where I came from. But the more I learn the more out of place I feel. 

I'm stuck in between two worlds. Not really Korean and not fully American. Kids in school used to tease me about my eyes. "How can you see if your eyes are so slanted?" "Chinese idiot, Chinese idiot". They would pull at the corner of their eyes as they would taunt me and laugh. 

Children can be cruel. How sad is it that in a country known to be "The Melting Pot" a lot of kids were not taught that differences in all of us aren't something to be afraid of or hated? No wonder I have blocked a lot of that out of my memory. Bits and pieces come back at me like waves on the sand of a deserted beach. At times I wonder where my peers are that said and did horrible things. Did they understand they left a lasting impression on me? Did they know that their carelessness has caused so much anguish? Not to mention all that leading to social anxiety? 

Let's get something straight. I have come to terms with this. I know who I am. I know that I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves everyone of us no matter what we look like, the color of our skin, the shape of our eyes or even what mean things we may have said to someone or about someone. He knows us and He loves us. I am not perfect and I am not blameless. I have done things or said things that I'm not proud of but I am not ashamed of who I am. I stand up for myself and what I believe in. 

Please be more aware of how you treat someone. They may be going through a tough situation that you know nothing about. If you have followed me for some time you know that I have been through hell and back. I haven't even told you about the half of it. I have never written about my adoption before. Mostly about my weight loss. Let me tell you, I had to move mountains before I had made the decision to be strong and change my life around. I hope through my journey you will find strength like I have found it in places that I needed. Just do your best. 

Love,
Jen

                   October 2012                                                     August 2014

Pop of Blue Eyes with the Sigma Paris Palette

Who doesn't love a new look to try with your makeup with the seasons change? I love to try new things but get caught up in my day to day routine and end up in a bit of a makeup rut. I love trying colors that aren't common but if done right can be beautifully simple. Below is my version of a springy time look on my beautiful friend Denise.

Pop of Blue Eyes with the Sigma Paris Palette

I love feedback. Don't be afraid to Thumbs Up, subscribe and comment.

Love you all,

Jen

My Current Fitness Progress/Motivation

Fourteen months into my weightloss journey and I have less than 20 pounds until my goal weight. I can see the muscle start to gain definition in my shoulders, arms, stomach and thighs. It is a taste of success that I can't get enough of. 

I have felt so uncomfortable with my body for so long. I can't remember what if feels like to not worry about how you look in every setting. The stress, the voice in my head mocking everything I did has shut up. I can be such a jerk to myself. 

So much wasted time. Wasted energy. Wasted opportunities. I will NOT let my body hold me back any longer. I am strong. I am determined. I want to live. Every morning I want to seize the day like it is my last. Love my family with all my heart. And face the challenges each day holds head on. 

Current weight: 173

Goal weight: 155

I have 17 pounds left to my goal weight but I am beginning to realize the number doesn't matter. The woman in the mirror matters. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be strong, defined and healthy. Eight years to figure out what healthy is. How to feel normal and live a good life.

I'm not perfect. I still see a fat girl in the mirror on my bad days. I still wonder about my pouch and my jiggliness in social situations. I still give myself a hard time when I put something in my body I how isn't good for me. But as long as I'm mostly healthy I can make a few mistakes. 

I am human but I never knew what living was like. Now I feel like I can chase my dreams. It took my son to show me who I am and my husband to support me along the way. I am on lucky lady. 

Have a wonderful day,

Jennifer